By James Gallichio
Gentlemen, it’s time to get classy
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Note: Credit for the music/rain goes to tadallagash on Reddit, who posted about it here.
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I sipped on my single malt after a long day working a case. The sweet, serene feeling of relaxation filled my body as I lamented the harsh winter storm that was raging outside. Another day done. Another day…
*knock* *knock*
She walked in to my office like a cat stalking its prey; silking up to my desk with a fierce determination in her eyes. She was dressed to the 9’s, with a fur coat draping her shoulders and a red dress that could stop traffic.
“I’ve got a problem.”
Of course you do, sweetheart. Every dame has a problem in this city; the city that never gives an inch; the city that eats your soul. She pursed her lips on a cigarette, searching her bag for a light.
“You and me both, sister” I said as I struck a match and lit her up. “But I’ve never had a problem I couldn’t solve. Take a seat and tell me all about it.”
“It’s my husband.”
Ah. The husband. If I had a dime for every broad who slinked through my door with a husband who needs fixin’…
“It’s his glasses. They…they look awful on him.”
I took another sip of my whiskey as I breathed a small sigh.
“Well, what face shape does he have?”
“Face shape?”
She leaned over my desk, seductively. I’m not here to play games, doll. I’m here to solve your problems. I looked her dead in the eye, with a piercing gaze that let her know I meant business.
“His face shape. Oval? Square? Circle? Heart-shaped? Well, which is it?”
She sat upright in her chair as the seductive disposition faded from her face.
“I..I don’t know.”
“Ok,” I sighed as I rubbed the strain from my eyes. This was going to be a long night. “Let’s start from the beginning.”
“These are the four basic face shapes. There are variations of each, of course, but every face fits into one of these basic categories.” She gave a nod of understanding. “When buying a pair of specs, you’ve got to find a pair that contrasts your shape.”
The look of comprehension on her face faded. “Contrasts the face?”
I had had enough. I threw my whiskey down on the table as I rose from my chair and glared at her. “You waltz in here looking for answers and you don’t even understand Harrison Fjord’s Face-Shape-Glasses-Contrast Theory?! Get out.”
“Wait! I—“
“Get out of my office.”
She gasped. “I’m here to learn!”
I composed myself. “I’m sorry, doll,” I said as I fell back into my chair and lit up a cigarette. “It’s this city. The streets…they…they beat me down. Anyway, what was I saying?”
“Glasses contrasting the face.”
“Right. So the basic face shapes have matching glasses. So there are round glasses, oval glasses, square glasses and so on. Here’s what happens when you choose glasses that don’t contrast the face shape.”
She gasped, as her hand rose up to her mouth to hide her shock. “It…it’s awful.”
“You don’t need to tell me twice. I’ve seen more mismatched glasses than you can poke a stick at. But we can help that. You know why? Because each face shape has a set of rules that can be followed.”
“Teach me, mister. Teach me.”
I looked into her puppy-dog eyes and chuckled softly. “Ok.”
“An oval face is longer than it is wide – so a good pair of glasses will help broaden the face. Oval faces look best with rectangular frames, as they make the face appear wider. A modern, half-rimmed pair will do this most effectively. People with oval face should avoid circular glasses, as they will diminish facial definition.
“People with round faces should choose glasses that give their face structure and definition. Avoid thick-framed glasses, as well as glasses with a circular shape – these will make your face look large and undefined. Instead, opt for either angular or rectangular glasses with narrow wire frames.
“People with square faces already have a strongly-defined facial shape, so their glasses should be either oval or round. Thicker frames work well for this face shape as it helps to give shape to the cheekbones.
“Heart-shaped faces already have a lot of natural definition, so glasses should be chosen to help bring out the jaw line and cheekbones. This can be achieved by using oval or square-shaped glasses with thick, geometric frames.”
She smiled. I could see the look of gratitude in her eyes; a look that I had seen a thousand times before, from a thousand women whose husbands I had help look amazing.
“How can I ever thank you?”
I poured myself another glass of whiskey and gave a small chuckle. “How can you thank me? Sweetheart, that look you just gave me is all the thanks I need.”
She smiled once more, her fears alleviated; her faith in her husband’s elegance restored. She stood to leave – as her hand reached my door she turned to me one final time. “Gentleman James…”
And with that, she was gone. Gone from my life, back out into the city. I leaned back in my chair, put my feet up on my desk and chuckled to myself. Another day done. Another day…
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